future nights

This weekend was soft and slow and eye opening. I sailed through friday night lights in my indie top on stage and sang my words to the school. And it felt real and soft & sweet when I awoke from my 3 minutes of bliss with the heat of the lights pounded down on my round cheeks and the audience blurred out into a black abyss in front of my eyes. & I drove around windy streets with two hipster girls & sang silly songs and melodies to pass time. We believed we were young and free and happy. And felt it. Sunday drives through cornfields into a city of college students, coffee shops and mac books. Indiana University sat unharmed by the smog and cold of Ohio winds and warmed me up to future nights and dreams. The campus buzzed with preoccupied students running around on bikes with their books and glasses. And oh how I fell in love. To be important. To be living for something. To be alive-amongst the thousands of other faces. I felt I belonged in this sea that surronded me. The artsy dorms & secret libraries, the modern art, the endless coffee shops and loung chairs. I wanted to jump into the picture now, and stay. Wandering the night streets with my favorite family and my mouth running 100 beats a second just grasping to catch up with the sweet visions in my mind.

And when I returned home, I was still high off the world. And I took my adventure in the sunshine with a hippy boy and we laughed and danced along to old classics in a tinted window car-pretending to be badass. I felt real & myself. I had answers to my questions solved. My mind was cleared. My world was safe and fine. You brought me back to reality.

empty sins

Weekend heartaches and weekend headaches. Why do I always do this to myself? Let love take over me and control my actions and heart till I'm wandering into the unknown with your body and listening to your words so intently. How could I have something so beautiful and blossoming so close yet it feels so far away. It isn't me anymore. Love dancing on my fingers and flirting around and around with snowy roads and chilly evenings. Bruises and hugging my bones, waiting on the euphoria you send me to run through my tired and restless body. Tainted by the smokey air and bright city lights of the grunge apartments that I end up in each weekend.
Looking into my glossy, makeup smeared eyes in high heals and dyed hair. My reflection strikes me. Who is this girl? What has she done? What's her story. She's a beautiful mess, strung out and wasted on all of lifes little lies & empty sins. She's fallen for them all. She's fallen for the soft embraces of strangers, the haze of an unknown, and champagne supernovas crashing down upon my weightless body. I feel so far from who I was, so far from who I should be. And it's spiraling, spiraling faster than ever...slowly and painfully I open up these wounds from ever years and I can't breath. I can't catch my breath. My thoughts spin and twirl and leave me haunted and scared. Will I ever wake up? Will I ever move on? Will I ever be saved from my empty sin?

squareone

my daydreams & reality have intertwined again and I can’t remember what’s real and what’s not anymore. I never know if I’m in the lie or caught in between it. the day dream can be full and satisfied. with swirling country roads swerving and going nowhere in hazy cornfields with teenaged waste lands, or silent in city streets as the frost bites us as we greet winters eyes, or filled with night terrors and hautings on too loud music and tearyeyed fights. spiraling downfalls and set backs..of failed dreams and emptied futures. I doze off into another dream these past few weeks and oh its been so easy & simple. falling into it, not waking up. getting lost in retailed bliss with a long-legged beauty and pounding my heart out in long car rides, giving out love to the wrong people and missing that one boy with the irish tattoo more than ever. wanting to find that one that will sit and drink orange juice and watch the stars again. but not falling for the high school bullshit and monotony of this suburban universe. and in between all these car rides and photographs, the dreams been tainted. and it makes me hold on to the good moments so much more. the basslines, the hot coffee, the strobe lights, the holding hands and never letting go. but I have to surrender for a little bit. to feel and see again. and let life happen.

clifton stars

This weekened was a worldwind of dark nights, beauty, smoke haze and teenage love being thrown around in pickup trucks. And I felt beautiful, makeup smeared in hazed out worlds. Watching the smog hit the city lights on abandoned streets. Sipping on sins and lustfilled lips and touching the steamed windows in Clifton parking lots. I've been here before, but not like this.And we grasped on eachother, not wanting the moment to slip away-trying to feel this one more second as if once we let go all the world will end. And my head was dizzy and ful and I felt young and silly and sang along to the words on the radio.
Making it back to reality, Im floating on air and tiptoeing through the empty hallways of my suburban home-hoping I don't give off the buzz I'm feeling.
And oh, the toxic weekend nights have come down to this. The songs come down to this. And all the books come down to this. Its what everyones talking about, that euphoria you step into when your out of your element and that slow crash down bacck to the world, which eventually comes as much as you don't want it to. So I'm caught watching the Clifton starz buzz around and fall down as I hold pack my tongue and smile.

spring fever in january

I've got spring fever.

Its been so gorgeous out. The suns been hitting my back and that smell of spring is all around. The smell of fresh cut grass, barbeques and the sound of birds in the distance-ah..and the sunshine that shines through the trees with colors of blue and red and yellow.

I've been taking advantage of the lovely weather

Running through golf courses mid day, meandering through fallen trails to a graffitied wall, eating lunch while listening to my iPod out by the pond, chasing my dog around the backyard. I've forgotten my worries and left them behind, I've cleared my head with silly boys and slow summer music jams, I've gotten lost on suburban streets with brown eyed girls and sang while driving by the big dipper on my way to school, it's been sweet and easy. Spring makes me feel like a little kid again :-)