Recovery

Recovery from an eating disorder is a long, slow, painful process. Having struggled with an ED throughout my high school experience, I know it far too well. My freshman year I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, and excercise bulimia (meaning spending hours and hours at the gym). Although I'm still fighting it every day, I feel as if I am finally feeling like myself again and getting back to a healthy lifestyle.

There's a lot of misconceptions about eating disorders. Hollywood glamourizes them in ads and showcases the beautiful waif-like creatures on the red carpet. We all awe and ooh over the runway models with hipbones and flat stomachs. We are told that skinny is perfection, skinny is success, skinny is beauty everywhere we look. Chances are one of you have heard that voice in your head saying "Oh I shouldnt have eaten that" "I'm going to have to run an hour to burn that off" "I feel lazy & fat." Well, that's ED; and once he gets into your life, he manipulates you to lie and do crazy things.

For me, my ED began around 4th grade when I went into my yearly physical and my doctor asked "Do you ever get made fun of for being overweigth?" Until then I never realized that weight was even a concern! I was a 12 year old feeling miserable for being slightly overweight-but at a normal range for my height as I was growing! And having a doctor verify that began the fight with my body. I didn't exactly start ED behavior till my freshman year of highschool. It was a way to control something in an uncontrollable world. My freshman year I just wanted to be perfect. Through grades, appearance, songwriting, lacrosse player...I was striving to be like the successful women on TV.

Life of an ED is not what it may seem. It's taking blind weight checks bi-weekly, it's having your mother nag on you to eat a yogurt cup, it's in and out of hospital beds and mental institutions, it's drinking 360 calories of nutritional supplements 2-3 times a day, it's osteopenia, its mistrust, lack of energy, lies...the list goes on.

My ED was a big nightmare. Each time I let ED in a little bit, he overcame me and I always succumed to him. Spending Friday nights at the gym, transfixed on what I was going to eat next, worrying about my next run...I couldn't think about anything other than the shadow that haunted me.

Although I'm only just begginngin to finally see the end of "recovery" I've learned so much about myself and also others. I'm more understanding of mental illnesses and am interested in taking psychology classes in college (clearly, I have a lot of experience in this department after 3 hospital stays and hundred of therapy lessons).

I believe that anything is possible. If you or someone you know is suffering from an ED, find something in your life worth living for. I'm not going to lie, there were moments in my life that I thought I'd be stuck living with an ED forever, and to be completlely honest at that time I was okay with it.

I'm finding myself again, the past 4 years I've been lost in a mirage of the old Emily-I may have looked like her (..well a lot skinnier) but I'm finally getting to know me-not ED. And it's so beautiful. I'm seeing this world again with life and laughter and energy. I can stay in the moment and live out the rest of my senior year with love and happiness, not on treadmills & counting calories.

I never want to go back to ED-ever ever ever! Life is too beautiful to miss out on. If you need any help or advice with your ED-please contact me. I believe we can get through it and find life again :-)

Xoxo

-Emily